Having your spouse cheat on you is one of the most horribly emotional things that a married man or woman can go through. Finding out the person that you planned on spending the rest of your life with stepped outside of your marriage vows can cause a person to question everything about his or her spouse, including whether or not to continue with the marriage after the affair. If you have children together the intensity of the emotions can be magnified even more. With all of the negativity that comes along with your spouse having an affair it is no wonder why the divorce rates are so high in this country.
What kind of marriage can we possibly have after an affair?
That was one of the many questions that kept replaying over and over in my head when the affair came to light in my own marriage. Admittedly, out of all the things running through my mind that question was one of the least intense, but it seemed to be a common theme.
When the affair came to light you can imagine the whirlwind of negative thoughts and emotions that began to run through my head:
- I was in shock
- I was devastated
- I felt betrayed
- I was humiliated
- My self-esteem seemed to rush right out of me
- I was uncertain about everything that I used to be certain about
- I was angry
- I wanted revenge
- AND MANY MORE
The easiest solution for me would have been to say that I hated my spouse and move on, but the fact is I didn’t hate my spouse. I wanted to know how and why this happened. I also wanted to know in my heart that if we continued our marriage after the affair it would never happen again. However, those somewhat rational questions were clouded by the intensity of my negative emotions. One day I would focus on those questions, and the next day I would have visions of getting revenge, sometimes violent visions which frightened me.
We decided that we were going to try to work out and went to marriage counseling in hopes of getting a handle on our problems after the affair. While I can say that we got some benefit out of counseling it was very limited. I wanted answers to questions that I wasn’t ready to hear the answers to, and my spouse didn’t know how to address my questions without being extremely cold towards me.
My spouse and I both come from broken homes, and neither one of us wanted our son to grow up in that type of environment. Looking back on it now, that may have kept one or both of us from throwing in the towel on our marriage. However, we stopped going to counseling after about six weeks because it seemed like we were spending a lot of money for no benefit. After a short time it seemed to me that our situation was becoming hopeless. I couldn’t believe that an affair was going to end my marriage. I could feel myself reaching my breaking point. I wasn’t getting anything out of my spouse. It seemed like he didn’t care about the problems his actions had caused. I had read every self-help book out, watched videos, and spent countless hours surfing the internet hoping to find across something that would help save my marriage after the affair.
Surviving the Affair
I remember the exact feelings that came over me when I stumbled across the name Dr. Frank Gunzburg in an internet search. I was beginning to lose hope at that point, but I desperately wanted and needed change in my life. I dug further into Dr. Gunzburg’s background and found out that he had been working in couples counseling for over 30 years. Which is commendable, but Dr. Gunzburg’s background isn’t what jumped out at me.
What caught my eye was this:
“This is why my system is unique; many other programs require couples to start together right out of the gate. I help you start healing your marriage even if your spouse isn’t willing yet.”
I have to admit that I was skeptical of the “save my marriage” claims of another program. I didn’t track the amount of money that I had spent on books, videos, counseling, and marriage programs but it was in the thousands, and I didn’t have much to show for it. After giving it some thought, I figured that I would give the program a shot. If it didn’t work out at least I could look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage.
The system was like a GPS for my heart.
When my spouse and I were going through marriage counseling it seemed to me like we were just spinning our wheels. I was willing to deal with whatever emotional baggage I needed to deal with in order to move on, but we never seemed to be able to reach that point. It seemed like we were repeating the same things over and over again.
As soon as I started Dr. Gunzburg’s Surviving the Affair system, it seemed like I had unfolded a map on how to get back to my old-self. I was at a point where I still wanted to save my marriage, but I also knew that I wanted to be able to heal even if my marriage couldn’t be saved, and that is why Dr. Gunzburg’s system jumped out at me the way that it did.
Dr. Gunzburg points out in his system that all of injured parties in marital infidelity experiences a lot of the same emotions and have the same questions and issues to deal with like:
- How do I control all of the negative thoughts and emotions going on inside of me?
- How do I deal with my anger?
- Will I ever be able to trust again?
- Is it my fault?
- Will my life ever be the same?
The best thing about the Surviving the Affair system for me was it helped me fight the urge to look at outside factors to rationalize the affair that was about to end my marriage. Dr. Gunzburg helped me learn that “externalizing” was actually keeping me from addressing what I was feeling inside. Dr. Gunzburg astutely points out that doing so well only lead you to turn cold, or eventually explode when you are no longer able to contain the emotions that you have been trying to ignore.
The two parts and three phases of the Surviving the Affair system
The Surviving the Affair system is a two part system that is designed to address the problems in your marriage in three phases. The program is set-up to address to address the injured spouse, the cheating spouse, and then the relationship. I personally believe this design is why Surviving the Affair can help anyone.
I knew that I had a lot of work to do on myself whether my marriage survived after the affair or not. I also knew that the affair was the source of a lot of my personal problems. I figured if the program didn’t help me do anything but get back to my old self then it would be worth it, as there was no way I could live the way I was living long term.
Therein lies the beauty of the Surviving the Affair system, it is also the reason Dr. Gunzburg’s system allows you to begin to heal your marriage without your spouse’s input. I decided that I would follow Dr. Gunzburg’s system to the letter.
Surviving the Affair gave me:
- A workable step-by-step system
- An understandable system
- A system that allowed me to work at my own pace
- Tips and techniques that helped me learn to process some horribly negative emotions
- Freedom from the anchor the affair in my marriage hung around my neck
- My brain back (It seemed like I was always in a fog, or focusing on the affair prior to working the program.)
- A better marriage than I have ever had
I started working Surviving the Affair slowly. I was desperate to try and get back to my old self but I was guarded because everything that I had done previously hadn’t worked the way that I hoped. After going through the system for a couple of days I started to feel different.
I noticed that the things that were previously setting me off didn’t have as much of an effect on me anymore. I also noticed that the world didn’t seem so hopeless to me. I was learning to process all of the emotional baggage that I had been carrying for so long.
After about a month my spouse noticed a difference in me, and asked me was I feeling better? A month prior, such a question would have brought on quite a fight, but that was no longer the case. I said that I was feeling better, but everyday was work in progress for me and left it at that.
A week later my spouse came to me again, and asked me if I was having an affair. Could you believe it? In my spouses’ mind the only way that I could be working my way back from the negative place I was in was to have an affair. I got quite a chuckle out of the question. I told him, that I would never have an affair for any reason. I was so rocked by his affair I was ready to end our marriage, there was no way I would ever make the most emotionally crippling situation of my life worse by having a revenge affair.
It was at that time that I decided to show my spouse the Surviving the Affair system. I told him that I had purchased the system because it was my last ditch effort to set our marriage, and because it was absolutely necessary for me to get back to being the person I am, whether our marriage ends after the affair or not.
My spouse told me that he could see the difference in me, and that he had just assumed that time would fix our problems. I made it very clear that our problems would take a lot more than time to fix, but I was willing to try. I told him about the second part of surviving the Affair system, which focuses on the person who cheated in a marriage.
The portion of the Surviving the Affair system that focuses on the cheater by helping him or her:
- Know what to do in the event that the affair fulfills a need that is missing in your marriage. (In order to save your marriage after the affair you will have to be able to communicate to your spouse in a way that addresses your need without further hurting your already fragile spouse.)
- Permanently end the affair. (There is no way to survive the affair if you are still in communication with the other person.)
- How to handle the ex-lover in the event he or she doesn’t want to end the affair
- How to get through “affair-withdrawals”
- How to handle the injured spouses anger
- How to conduct your everyday life without causing suspicion from your spouse
- What to do in the event it feels like your spouse will never trust you again
I told my spouse that I was going to keep working through my portion of the program and that he was welcome to go through the second part of the individual portion of the Surviving the Affair system. I told him that through everything I still loved him but I could not continue to live the way we were living.
My spouse decided to give the system a try. After a couple of days he told me that he felt horrible about everything, and that he had never looked deep inside himself before. That was the first time that he ever said that he was bothered by the hurt he caused me. It was a crack in the ice moment for us.
We decided as a couple to move on to the second phase of Dr. Gunzburg’s Surviving the Affair system. Phase two is the phase that starts the healing as a couple. Phase two helped my spouse and me:
- Understand that our marriage was fragile, and gave us ways to protect it.
- Learn how to talk about the details of the affair that nearly ended our marriage
- Communicate Honestly
- Allowed my spouse to apologize to me for the first time. (It may not have been the first time but it was the first time that I believed it.)
- Allowed me to truly forgive my spouse (That was more of a gift for me than it was for him.)
- Gave us both peace of mind
After my spouse and I completed phase two our relationship had changed drastically. We were talking more openly than we had talked in years. I felt like I was starting to see a side of my spouse that I hadn’t seen in years. At that point my spouse and I moved on to phase three. Phase three helps couples build on the ground work laid in phase two. Phase three helped my spouse and me:
- Accept what had happened in our past
- Get rid of the suspicion I had because my spouse learned to be more open with me
- Renewed our non-existent sex life
- Restore and STRENGTHEN our since of safety, honesty, and intimacy that had been missing for many years
- AND MUCH MORE
Dr. Gunzburg’s system changed my life. I believe that if I hadn’t come across Dr. Gunzburg’s system when I did my marriage would have ended after my spouse’s affair. I am also pretty convinced that I would still be in therapy trying to rebuild myself as an individual.
Surviving the Affair helped me rebuild myself as a person. It helped my spouse understand the damage his actions caused to our family. It also helped him address “a lot of my own b******t” as he so eloquently puts it.
If you find yourself in the same boat that I was in I implore you to give Dr. Gunzburg’s system a chance. It has worked for me and a lot of other people just like me. If you are skeptical about whether Surviving the Affair will help you:
- I emplore you to sign up, and get Dr. Gunzburg’s free report that details the three things you must do right now to save your marriage after an affair. If you give it an honest try, I am confident that you will see that Dr. Gunzburg’s methods do indeed work.
- Dr. Gunzburg states: “If my system doesn’t work for you, then I want you to call or e-mail within three months, and we’ll refund your money.” This means if you don’t experience a softening in your relationship, or if you’re unwilling spouse doesn’t change his or her tune, or if you don’t resolve the whirlwind of emotions that are consuming you, or if you can’t put the trust back in your relationship you can get a full refund.
- You can “hope” that time will heal the problems in your marriage after the affair, but I know from experience that will never happen. If you find yourself on the road that I was traveling on I can tell you that it is a dead end street that will consume you.
Your marriage can be healed after the affair but it takes a system that is designed to handle the emotions while at the same time addressing the problems. That system exists and it is called Surviving the Affair.